Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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