I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
