I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I think I sprained my soul last night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
