I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
