If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
