I wish my penis had an off switch
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
