just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
