So drunk its hurt
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
