Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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