had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
this just has baby written all over it
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize