Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
