So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
