When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
