My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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