Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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