I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
