You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
