meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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