She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
