Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize