ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize