Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
