So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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