just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
