I need to stop coming to work sober
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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