I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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