I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
