Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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