So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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