Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
