if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
