Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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