I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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