I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
