i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
