Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
