I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dear god my vagina.
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