so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
