What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
