I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I need to calm my uterus...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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