Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
