Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
