the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
