I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
