When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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