Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
