why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
