girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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