dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so that wasnt chicken after all
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
