There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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