I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize