I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
