did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize