She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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