Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
