I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
