My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
