I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
this just has baby written all over it
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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