the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
