So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
