do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Randomize
