why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
