Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
