why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
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