then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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