You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
